When I first took a position as a therapist at the clinic I work at, I was five months pregnant. One of the reasons I was happy to accept the position was because there were five other moms working at the site. In addition, there was one other person there currently pregnant with her first. I was excited to be at a job with so many other moms. Shortly after I was hired, another pregnant mom was hired on full-time too. As a working mom, this is a great benefit. Lots of mommy talk, and knowing people really understand each other.
Only something sad happened. Within my first year, three of these working moms quit to pursue private practice. They were all working part-time anyway, yet I was sad to see them go. But then we lost another one, and it really wore on me.
I convince myself that being a working mom is a better fit for me than being a SAHM (stay-at-home mom). I’m a good therapist and would have a hard time not exercising these skills. I am intellectual and would have a hard time not being able to socialize with adults on a daily basis. I would get bored playing peek-a-boo and other toddler-baby games all day. And yes, this is all true. But deep down, I don’t care. Deep down there is a voice so loud telling me I want to stay at home with my babies, I have a hard time quieting it.
This “Dammit I want to be home with my Babies” voice is especially strong right now. The thanks goes to my job, where again, a co-worker who is supposed to be returning to work in less than a month after maternity leave for her first baby just put in her resignation. I don’t feel guilty for working, I feel jealous that I can’t resign so that I can stay home. I used to dream of transitioning to part-time or trying to start a private practice, but those dreams are long gone now that we bought a house and are responsible for a sweet monthly mortgage. So I have to tough it out. I must find a way to accept that I must work. It’s hard.
Ultimately, I am confident that I am strong, resilient, and life is good. I am on the journey I was meant to take, and although I want to be home with my children, it might not be my path. I am confident though, that if it is what I should be doing, life will present me with this opportunity. In the meantime, I shall love every moment I have with my kids, every cuddle, every giggle, and every kiss. I am fortunate.