Rabbit Holes and Clarity

There is something great about seeing how all the pieces fit together.  That moment when it all makes sense. When you can look back and see how yesterday and the days prior all add up to make today possible, to make the dreams of tomorrow reality. I am far from fulfilling the destiny which awaits me, but I feel myself on the right path. I have confidence that everything I experience is part of an elaborate domino effect pushing me towards change, growth, and serenity. Slowly, I have come to the decision to jump into the rabbit hole.

Working and being a mom is the hardest thing I have done. I love being a mom. I love the work I do. But trying to find a balance between the two has felt impossible. I detest Monday, heading back into a chaotic work week. It’s gotten so bad I’ve become apathetic and feel a distance where I used to feel a connection. Ways in which I used to be able to re-charge are not cutting it anymore.

To be the best me, I have to have balance between work and my family. For months, maybe years, I have pushed myself to make my family fit my job. It doesn’t work for me, and the reason is obvious. Nothing competes with the love I have for my kids and my desire to be with them.

More than anything, I want to spend meaningful time with my children on a daily basis. Spending an hour or two in the morning getting ready for the day, in addition to an hour or two at night getting ready for bed isn’t enough.  I also need some time to myself in the evenings to breathe after a stressful work day. Saturday and Sunday go by too quickly.

It’s time for a change. Change is scary. There are risks with change. For months, I have experienced hesitancy. Yet only because I have had this experience with hesitancy have I been able to come to this new feeling of confidence.  I can see how being so dissatisfied is pushing me  toward new opportunities and when I can imagine ”what could be” in my career, I feel excitement replacing the apathy.  Transition is within me now.

If you have a balloon, and every time something doesn’t feel good (mad, sad, annoyed, stress, etc.), you blow a breath into the balloon, the littlest breath can make it pop. And because it’s a little breath, there is much struggle: “I should be able to deal with this”, “this shouldn’t be a big deal”. Such thoughts contrast with: “I can’t take anymore”, “I’m  done.” Conflicting thoughts create internal conflict. But the act of successfully working through the conflict creates growth. And next, comes clarity.  Clarity appears in the aftermath of difficulty.

So here I am, feeling okay about my present, because I have clarity around my future as a working mom. Earlier this year, I looked at the rabbit hole out of a sense of desperation. That didn’t feel good. Alice didn’t follow the rabbit out of desperation, she followed out of curiosity. Today I am Alice.


Let me know your sentiments.

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